| you, and my alcoholic vomit. |
[10 Feb 2006|12:09pm] |
so last night was a rather tech-hounded night life for anyone that could walk the streets. you wouldnt have wanted to cross my path. for inflicted defeat upon the pave.
the number 12 looks like you was great. i dont care. maybe march 15. but someone will just take my place and go instead of me. maybe someone will take my place in heaven and ill be forced to hell. so it seems... i dont have my own room. my mom kicked me out of hers and now i sleep in my sisters room.. bright, blue and sparkly. a good cover to shade my 5 oclock shadowed life.i am grounded this weekend. its depressing. im at school and i dont even want to go home. ill be sitting, in my bed, aking the same question over and on and over again.... its friday night, and what is brock cash going to do. and no where hears. no one even cares except for my pathetic self. i see my friends. we wer all once depressed as one. no they have found happiness. why cant I?
they live, joke and play. but why cant i find the laughter in what they say.
i come to school happy. when i get home its all said and done.
i love you but will i ever see you... for a while?
it sucks... everyone that likes me is far away. everyone that hates me is so close.
its ok... cause in this world i will grow... and i will grow to hate thee.
ive been watching your world from afar. and ive been trying to be where you are. and ive been secretly falling apart. ill see.
and this is love for the first time.. and nobody cares at all.
and when i see you standing there... waving from such great heights. ill cry in a cup and throw it up to you.. hoping the glass would shatter upon your feet and you could feel the salt ridden pain i feel.
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| abyss in its requim. |
[29 Jan 2006|10:19am] |
the worms away eat at my spine in order to affix the tragedy of its offspring.
a plague to set forth what now is or was my happiness.
with your tongue in the sand.
and interperendous silence that often is aquiesce to peronder of adolence.
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| in awkwardness and its essence |
[21 Jan 2006|01:42am] |
so the most awkward feeling.
boner all night but just could not get one durring pre-intercourse.
gee
how awkward.
well.
shes cutting my nails now and im going to puke.
i hate cutting of nails.
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| insert a cell in a chromosome |
[20 Jan 2006|09:30pm] |
infertal waste fir this is yet to come.
one for one is some set sun that has wept and shook its icy layer from its rays.
it shines so beautifully but why can i not see this?
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| looking into my mouth. |
[16 Jan 2006|11:14am] |
well i am still at michelles houseand my mom is picking me up at one and then i have a dentist appoimtment.
what the day to have a dentist appointment because i havent brushed my teethy in 2 days.
dirty.
im sad i have to go.
i dont know when ill see her again
my mom isnt gonna wanna drive me out here all the time.
i guess its time to ask for a car.
and living to the dirt.
so careful being concious.
never pulling the plug on you
cause i dont know what ild do..
cathator love in hospital room
and radiator secrets that seem to determine my
insides.
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[15 Jan 2006|12:47pm] |
i have a girlfriend
and shes bitter sweet
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| so.. when he approached me he turned on his headlights and said die |
[05 Jan 2006|12:15pm] |
person: so youre back from michigan brock?
brock: yes
person how was it.
brock: still thinking of what to say*
the brightest full moon light entrances me
it calls me forth
yet i have not the strength to move
in stasis, i rot away and dream
dream of forgotten years
dream of the touch of another's hand
i am to be a meal of star-ved worms
my nerves are twisting for the light of my salvation
i rest beneath where i remain as cold as clay
eternal pain is swelling in my joints
somewhere within me a flame is slowly born
inside this shell of bloated flesh grows life anew
infernal, the moon distorts my mind
my veins jolt back to life, pushing the fluids of the damned
i seek to bathe my fetid flesh in crimson spray
my body writhes without consent of conscience
i lift the lid the pounds of dirt shall not subdue
i shall walk the earth once more
from beyond the strings are pulled
i know not what has made me this way
the animation of my rigid corpse
i shall abandon my coffin of premature fate
dead hand grasps for the still night air
i am now free to maim!
there cannot be a god for he would not forgive this
despicable inhuman monster; rotten, twisted and deformed
i am now a tool of my unholy instinct
entrails strewn at my bidding
a mockery of all i was
i seek to bathe my fetid flesh in crimson spray
my body writhes without consent of conscience
i lift the lid the pounds of dirt shall not subdue
i shall walk the earth once more
from beyond the strings are pulled
i know not what has made this way
the animation of my rigid corpse
i shall abandon my coffin of premature fate
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| well its kind of cold out mam. what ever shall i do? my boots are stuck 6feet underground white snow |
[25 Dec 2005|08:05pm] |
well it seems that this christmas wasnt the best christmas afterall.
i didnt really get what i wanted...
my mother didnt get me anything but my sister got a shitload from """santa""".
yeah...
whene i woke up and saw nothing under the tree for me my mom said "I hope you understand brock"
and when i went to my grandparents house for presents i didnt really get anything...
i asked for an ipod and they got me a shitty ass samsung mp3 player.
they said that the salesperson said that that was an ipod.
well whoever that person was is the most stupid being you'll ever want to encunter.
because this thing is a piece of shit.
Tomorrow i must awake at 7 ooam to get ready to go to michigan.
my plane meaves at 11 3o
dont ask why i must wake up so early.
i really do not know.
and i'll be hunting in the middle of the wilderness for 7 days.
meaning no computer so i will not be able to update this bitch.
yeah.
and the snow.
will be talking to the mirror.
so deep, up too my knees.
never kneeling
never sleeeping.
this is the moment.
the moment youve all been waiting for.
blair witch
come out come out
wherever you are.
and to all my riends
i will miss you..
and and
happy birthday hayley [dec 28th]
I love you
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| so will you get me.. cleanse the speed on dial |
[23 Dec 2005|09:59am] |
so yesterday my mom woke up asking me why i talk like a faggot and screaming "stop! stop!" shes says im an embarrasment anywhere we go. she reads my livejournal and myspace and wonders why i want to kill myself.
my grandmother wants to put me in a ward but my mom says no.
ofcurse cause shes afraid that ill tell them all the terrible things she says to me and all the names she calls me.
today's my sisters birthday
she is 7.. and happy as can be.
i admire her.. no matter what happens, she always has a smile on her face.
why can't everyone be that way?
i fi nd it hard to believe that she came out of my mother
lol
everyones all like "yay 2 days till' christmas"..
i don't see the excitement.
i haven't gotten ANYONE ANYTHING yet.
it sucks\maybe i should do what ive been thinking before christmas.
but that will just ruin christmas.
i don't know what to do anymore.
i want life to go quickly.
but then again i don't know if people will be hurt or not.
i don't even think my friends would care.
they all flake on me.
enough of complaints.
my mom heard me talking on the phone about how terrible my life is
and shes hidden every "life threatening" thing in the house.
maybe i should take the psych ward offer
hey
ill be pumped with drugs and wont have a worry in the world.
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| caption: dialogue: illness: drowned- drugged children care the most |
[21 Dec 2005|10:43am] |
i survived it all
as if i was reallyu meant to be here.
i like her..alot.. but does she even notice. she walks past me like a stray.. as like the every shoine on a window seal has lost its touch. cold empty in space. spaceman and a moth to the flame. drugs and kindness towards others seeking an entry in her diary explaining how she feels. for i cannot find and entry nor a diary. no evidence of her even existing.
soiled ground is spoiled and taking lives.
.
i will be your myrtyr, your stygmata.
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| grass stained jeans in a world of sycophants |
[12 Dec 2005|08:08pm] |
so i beg for mercy and i get nothing... i slight comfortable coccun in an eternal rest of pain... sometimes i wonder... should i be looking for a better place... from the sidelines you see me run... untill i run out of breath... living the good life i left for dead.. sounds good to me... no one would care... at all... im so tired of looking into mirrors just to see the reflection cry...im so tired of being alone... i ruin who i love.... its a stray dog freedom....i hate this... evry day coming home..alne and nothing in return. I lagged behind while you got ahead. while i close the door, and i rest my head on the tile floor... sickness and sleep? for whatever its worth. it feels good.. feeling the cold warmth that lingers inside as well as the blade that cuts my every move...
where can i walk?for everyone will not move
so nail the casket one more time..please... i beg you...
dont let me get out seal me in well...
suffocate me.
let me know for sure my life is meaningless.
oh how i love the nailer.
with my hands upon this cros remopve them.
spinal tap increase
blood spoils and my skin begins to peel.
off bone to bone.
my life..
decay
right in front of my eyes.
watching is such fun.
as i move closer and closer to envy those who hate it.
its end-
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| living in the tapestry date.is that all any one has ever asked for |
[31 Oct 2005|11:56am] |
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fearing that steam on that dress... torn and taped on some dollar store window. she has unmasked her true self... a self that only I can see ... and no one believes me. not a single ide in the word march. In which clearly explains she has a temper. today... I dont know what I am doing.. I have no ride home from school and a parade to march at from 4 - 10... excluding the fact that tis halloween. when she climbs from that swamp I will be broken of misury. that trip to missouri should I say. Hide it like I always to in some code language. A death data that never speaks to me. that calls out her name in some orderly fasion. I love you. Isnt that quaint. miss world... youre my hero. stands on water. kneels on gold. paints the tiniest seeds with words"big" and "great"... do you love me or is this all just a game.. calling back. remembering my name?
this girl...marian... my thoughtless cloud... you see all my emotions but distant bare... would you aske why... or how...? would I drive from hell to see you? yes... would you press "flash" to speak to me? doubting love. doesnt it feel awefull... or is this some cheap scandal to fit our wreckless lives. Lives that were never lived... or atleast lived by a stranger. so this blank canvas and this bank artist is in the process of fufilling this fabric which lays down beside a tree. Hoping everything is ok... and he is only chasing safety
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| what is the point of lying in a capitol position...if you can't fall asleep; in... |
[14 Oct 2005|02:10am] |
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The horror they leave in three's they always do I'm holding hands with the
devil while you make your deal with jesus so let me milk your prostate with
the unborn meat fingers - Horrible your eyes implode with lucider's hammer
so you don't watch it's satisfaction guaranteed the horror this condemned
end of life three are dead one wounded you just should have planted the
rotten seed inside your grandmother she could afford the abortion three
one dead what was it what was occupying your mind into the vaginal
secretion I'll drop my rotten seed to you it's time to trash the fetal tissue
it's time to trash the fetal tissue
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[12 Oct 2005|11:19am] |
Journal...
a word used way to often...so sudden as if an entry could help every small big ornate problem... a caste ... I need a caste to enact my life...so many people ... such strange designs...
sitting on the edge of my bed...looking in the mirror...thats all I need... that is my part. Such a big script. They'll need tear gas to make me cry. Look at her now... so pretty. so vague without him. As if she doesnt care about him anymore. She knows she does, and that troll. hm.... funny... yet sad. How could you go from her to her in a single shot. I guess double dossage is the best.
<font color="deepred>I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got...</center>
her hair is that color... same color as that song. that song that is used to cry out the elp.... the help to be delivered from the ugly people.... She's too good for you... you should know that. ♥
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| and the world was so fucking gone |
[07 Oct 2005|03:14pm] |
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well it is cold today...almost too cold...I smell ice every time I see that face...I feel like something happened to her...like something bad...cause this afternoon I did not want to let go of her...but when do I...tonight I wanna be their but her friends dont like me. but that one girl from the football game was like really nice to me...her friend was like saying I spent the night at her house 2 nights ago....whatever that means...
what if hell was so cold...and all the faces wer so broken...would they even conscider me the least bit pretty... or would they still conceide over me...
all my stiches itch, my pescription's low, I wish you wer queen just for today
cause not...lying... its cold from here on out... I should get use to it... for it is never summer on this keyboard... the buttons are hard to press... they freeze with every letter...
when i kiss you... tell me...do your vessels begin to grow...? because when I kiss you, just for a moment, the ice has broken away...
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| Goldalie my dear...we will fold and freeze together far away from here. |
[06 Oct 2005|11:08am] |
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I will be with you when you lose your breath
Chasing the only meaningful memory you thought you had left
With some pretty bright and bubbly terrible scene
That was doing her thing on your chest
It isn't as pretty as you'd like to guess
All of your friends are letting you blow
Bristling and ugly
Bursting with fruits falling out from the holes
Of some pretty bright and bubbly friend
You could need to say comforting things in your ear
There isn't such one friend that you could find here
Standing next to me
He's only my enemy
I'll crush him with everything I own
Your father made fetuses
With flesh licking ladies
While you and your mother
Were asleep in the trailer park
Thunderous sparks from the dark of the stadiums
The music and medicine you needed for comforting
So make all your fat fleshy fingers to moving
And pluck all your silly strings
And bend all your notes for me
Soft silly music is meaningful magical
The movements were beautiful
All in your ovaries
All of them milking with green fleshy flowers
While powerful pistons were sugary sweet machines
Smelling of semen all under the garden
Was all you were needing when you still believed in me
And I know they buried her body with others
Her sister and mother and 500 families
And will she remember me 50 years later
I wished I could save her in some sort of time machine
Know all your enemies
We know who are enemies are
Goldaline my dear
We will fold and freeze together
Far away from here
There is sun and spring and green forever
But now we move to feel
For ourselves inside some stranger's stomach
Place your body here
Let your skin begin to blend itself with min
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| but I'm a creep.... what the hell am I doing here...I dont belong here... |
[04 Oct 2005|07:00pm] |
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mangled in my frizzy hair is a taste that wont go away....
leave me alone go away!
shoo the fly....
it snatches my wings instead... pretty means ugly and ugly means pretty...
they say I'm pretty...I'm not ...but who cares at all...I dont belong...
look at her now...so soiled and fooled...
oh holy fools kneel before me as you wer seeking my advice...wer you? and whos he? the one dying...in the corner...that freakshow...
oh him...? he's cool....
games are golden and so are you♥
look at the stars; look how they shine for you; and all the things that you do....they wer all
black as their heart
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| why wont she leave |
[04 Oct 2005|11:55am] |
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my mother has been here living with me and my grandparents for 2 weeks now...I mived out for freeaking her....she always said "why dont you get your dumbass out of here? and so I did and now she wont leave me alone...she spies on me literally..... she has like this unshowing attraction towards me; murder...I dunno.... it's strange... last night I tood her to leave me alone and quit bugging me and she told my grandparents like and unwilling child at a circus....how quaint. atleast I have aubrey....she's all that matters....♥
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| A place in the dirt, a door locked city |
[05 Jul 2005|04:27pm] |
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The lighted-sounds that enphasized my ear drums for a week
a baby dies and some mother screams for the most comfortable thing
I held you in my grasp, the clasp of the fingers touching me
and then, and then I slept what did you expect acceptions for the sing,
the sing thats all appart has left me with just one thing
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
is this best that life can get? no comfortable coccuun?
a wrist is slit and the blade was liquid in a day
but what if hell was heaven, and heaven was this town
this city where all the doors are locked and no one has a key
their was a city once know theres nothing their...
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I wanna capyure your bright eyes with the light bulb of my face
I'ld rather stay in a meat locker then be locked away in here
If a son would die today, it would be a fake mistake
but another loss is a daughters cause in a stable friction waste
and then
and then I slept for days and said I had slogun
no fun for those who lay in the grass and finger the tip of a gun
but then you rose with your bright orange pose
and your forever pursuasive rays
so I gave myself a rainy day in this world thats filled with mud
until tomorrow, where I find, my place in the dirt.
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I'm addicted to salt and the drug at fault is your mothers smiling face
so just leave me here with a padded call to a lovers last mistake
so I break the prize thats left and kneeling as I would this apple tree
and hopefully it will stop the sound of the revolving metal holes............
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